Who Put the Kids in Charge?

PART 1 – Being a CALM parent 

CHAPTER 1: COMMUNICATION 

Only through communication can human life hold meaning. 

— Paulo Freire 

Good parenting starts with simple, loving communication. Get this right and you will find your  children don’t only want to hear what you have to say, they will also be confident in their  ability to communicate how they are feeling, without acting out or disconnecting.  

It is never too early to learn how to express ourselves so people want to listen. 

One family I worked with had a very cute 3-year-old boy who walked around saying the same  thing over and over. I noticed he was actually trying to communicate to his parents but no one was listening. You see, he didn’t know how to get the attention he needed to begin so he  just began. This became a habit which caused his parents to think he just liked talking to  himself. It took a few days but I showed Jimmy how to: 

• say the name of the person he wanted to speak to 

• look at their eyes 

• speak in a ‘big boy’ voice so people could hear. 

Once he learned these three skills, he soon stopped wandering around the room talking to  himself and feeling unheard. His parents also realised they had to look into his eyes and wait  to hear what he had to say. 

The ability to communicate is so important for children because it stops a lot of their  frustrations. For instance, a small child who has been hurt by someone’s actions or words can  carry that feeling in their little bodies for a very long time. Eventually, it makes them ill. They  may respond by becoming naughty at home or at school or by doing things that hurt  themselves or another child. If they knew how to tell you how they felt, then these things  could be avoided. 

It’s important to keep lines of communication with our children open. Needless to say, this  includes listening as well as speaking. As adults, we need to ask children questions and  encourage them to speak. This may not be as easy as we would like. If we are stressed or  busy, it could even be difficult. If that’s the case in your home, trying a little harder to just get  a response of any kind, such as a nod or eye contact, is enough to begin opening your children  up to the process. 

Our job as parents is to create opportunities for kids to feel they can open up to us. This won’t  happen unless you create an environment where they feel safe, free of judgement and  supported. Active listening by reading body language and tone of voice will help you to know  what’s really going on for your child. Accepting ‘I don’t know’ as an answer will only encourage 

your child to be silent, when they obviously need to learn how to communicate, so keep  pushing until they make an effort. 

You may like to share something about your day first and then ask about their day. Who  knows what’s likely to come up? For example, your 10-year-old may have been bullied by  someone she likes at school and feel at a loss when it comes to knowing how to handle the  situation. She may feel embarrassed, weak or some other version of what happens when we  feel disempowered. Only you can help her with this so don’t let her down. Let her know that  whatever she is feeling, you can help her do something about it. 

Noticing changes in your child’s behaviour 

This brings me to the importance of managing our mood so we are open enough to notice  what’s going on with the ones we love. It comes down to knowing your child well, tapping  into your intuition and being aware and observant. This is impossible if stress and bad moods  get in the way. 

When kids are acting out, it’s usually because something has happened to upset them. Rather  than getting triggered and reacting, it’s worth communicating to your child that they are safe,  but that you’ve noticed they might not be feeling safe. Depending on how they react, you  might go on to remind them they are never alone because you are there to help them  whenever they need it. 

Everything you say – good and bad – can become your child’s inner voice. Being aware of your  responses and trying not to blame or criticise is very important to how your children feel  about themselves. What your children need to know is they will always be fully understood  and fully supported. 

Support is the best gift you can give your children. Undivided attention and care works  wonders because it’s only then your children are likely to start opening up to you. Don’t worry  if you haven’t yet managed to set up an environment where this kind of loving and non judgemental communication can take place. It’s never too late to start. 

Don’t assume children know how to share their feelings with you or know how to describe  exactly what is going on for them. They learn these skills by watching and listening to you and  by having you encourage them to feel their feelings and express them if needed. They might  hate this process at first but they’ll thank you for it in the long run. Always push through their  unwillingness to talk to you by insisting they try. 

If this doesn’t become the way your family communicates, one day you could be looking at a  moody teenager who has no idea how to share their ups and downs with you or anyone else.  With every year, if a loving connection is not maintained, the ability for children to connect  with you gets harder and the stakes get higher. Maintain eye contact, look friendly, express  your love with a touch or a smile and keep trying. 

It makes me sad to think these skills aren’t being learned because kids are spending so much  time focused on screens of one kind or other. Screen time replacing family time is robbing 

kids of the opportunity to develop strong communication and other interpersonal skills that  allow them to bond and connect with others. Knowing how to comfortably relate to others is  life-changing. This isn’t just my opinion; the research is terrifying. 

Communication skills are critical to express who we are and how we feel. We’ve all met adults  who are not as adept at connecting with others as they could be, and I’m pretty sure you  wouldn’t want that life for your child. If you don’t give in to the pressure your child puts on  you to ‘leave them alone’ and insist they at least try to say something – at least that’s a start.  

If your child is often out of sorts or has gotten into the habit of not speaking to you, it’s not  going to do you any good to punish them. Here’s an example of how you could engage with  them, to help them open up: 

My darling, I love you and I know you love me. I notice that when you’re  upset, you find it difficult to talk about it. But if we work on this together,  whatever you are feeling, at least you won’t be going through this alone.  

Believe it or not, I’m sure when you are my age you will feel exactly as I do  – hoping your child realises you love them and that you want to help them  get through things. I think you’ll feel better if you do. What do you think? 

See if you can get a hug and, at the very least, try to get them to cook with you or plan  something or watch telly – anything that helps them feel your love and connection. Use a  loving tone and maintain eye contact when possible. 

Don’t worry if this feels a bit awkward in the beginning. What I want you to know is that if  you can even just get them nodding at first, you will have crossed a threshold to a deeper  connection just by opening up the conversation. Try open-ended statements, such as: What  do you think? Let’s give it a go. These are terrific because they force kids to actually think  before they respond. Of course, you need to adapt everything to the child’s age. 

Also, ask your child questions such as: How do you think I can help you with your problem?  These questions build rapport and show them they are not alone. They also enables children  to see that being a part of the family is about collaborating, working together and supporting  one another. 

It’s important to agree with any suggestions your child comes up with whenever you can,  even if you have to modify them a bit when the time comes to make them happen. It’s actually  worth telling them that what they’ve suggested sounds like a good idea. If it doesn’t work, let  them know that ‘trial and error’ is sometimes how we get to the best solutions. That way  they’ll realise there is no point in throwing in the towel and feeling like a victim whenever  something they try doesn’t work out as planned. 

One thing to remember is that conversation goes both ways. Parenting is not a one-way  street, where you get to ask all the questions. It’s important to keep two-way communication  going, even if you sometimes feel like you’d rather stay in your own headspace and zone out  for a while. That’s one of the things about being a parent – even when we are exhausted, we still have an important job to do 24/7. That said, we also need to understand the importance  of self-care. We’ll get to this soon. 

How to speak to children so they want to listen 

Listen to what your child has to say and teaching them how to listen and respond to you are  important foundation skills that not only set the tone for their competency in communication,  but their self-esteem and the ease with which you all interact within the family unit. 

It’s important you never plead with your children as they’ll see that as weakness and no-one  respects a weak leader. You’ll need to use a confident and calm tone of voice. Also, when  learning this new skill, don’t say things like ‘would you’ or ‘could you’ or ‘please will you’ when  you are asking your children to do something they don’t want to do. These words will make  it sound as though complying with your request is optional. 

When your child realises you mean what you say and they have learned to do what you ask  without whining, always remember to say thank you. These two words are great at reinforcing  a behaviour that we want to become a habit. If it’s early days for you as a CALM Parent,  remember you are in the business of behaviour modification – both your child’s and your  own. Behaviour modification is all about breaking unhelpful habits and forming helpful ones. 

It’s also important there is no confusion about who’s the boss. If your child thinks they’re the  boss, you will need to tell them that you are taking back your proper position within the family  and reassure them that all they need to do is listen and learn from you. Tell them you will give  them options when you can but even if they argue and carry on about something, you will no  longer be talked into changing your mind about things to do with the family. 

Here are a few reminders about strategies we’ve discussed so far: 

• Always have eye contact. 

• Don’t take ‘I don’t know’ or a shrug for an answer. 

• Patiently listen. 

• Don’t judge but guide if needed. 

• Never plead. 

• Use a confident, CALM tone when asking for something. 

• Don’t say ‘would you’ or ‘could you’ when asking for something. 

Stick to your word 

Sometimes the smallest things have the biggest impact when it comes to getting children to  listen to you. All day long, I see parents telling their children to: 

• say hello 

• pick up their things 

• say thank you 

• take their plate to the sink

• stop a behaviour 

• start a behaviour 

• go to sleep  

• stop whining. 

Guess what? Their requests are often ignored. 

Please stop saying things you don’t care about or mean. Knowing when you won’t be  bothered to follow through is the key to getting kids to listen when you speak to them.  

If it’s not important to you – don’t say it.  

If it is important – insist until it’s done. 

When my youngest child, Ellie, was two, she was shy. If someone came to the front door, she  would hide behind me. I would say: Ellie, say hello. Initially, she would just want to stay behind  me and would ignore my request but she soon realised it was not going to be an option. I  would gently pull her out from behind me, stand her next to me and ask her again to say hello.  I would look into her eyes and use a tone whereby she could not mistake the request as being  an option. It took only one or two times before she realised the other person was not to be  feared and actually responded appreciatively to her offer of a greeting. 

Let your children know what you expect of them by explaining the process and, if necessary,  role-playing to help them remember. For instance, if they start arguing and carrying on about  something, tell them that from now on you will ask them to stop and if they don’t stop, there  will be a consequence they won’t like. 

In addition to telling them you’re not happy with their behaviour, a good incentive to  discontinue what you’ve asked them to stop, could include confiscating their iPad (or Lego,  phone or whatever they enjoy having) for a period of time – anything up to 24 hours,  depending on age. While they’re getting used to the idea you are taking your power back, you  might want to ‘count to three’, to give them time to take a breath and think about what they  have to do to avoid being punished by having their special things removed. 

You could also think about doing a ‘serious’ role-play in a fun way, so your children know what  to expect. It’s okay to laugh and have fun while teaching your children new habits and  behaviours but not at the risk of having them miss the point. To eliminate that possibility, it’s  a good idea to have them repeat what you’ve been explaining back to you to acknowledge  they’ve understood. 

Make your requests a statement rather than a question 

There is no sense in using your begging voice with your child while you are retraining or asking  them to do something for you. In fact, if you haven’t been getting your point through to them,  you will have to be slightly sterner than you would normally want to be. Once your child learns  to listen and do what you need them to do, your whole family will be able to converse and  communicate nicely without anyone having to be stern, angry or upset. You might find it hard to believe right now, but if you follow the suggestions I’m making here  and tailor them to your own particular situation, your family members will start  communicating more and become happier and more respectful. 

In the meantime, it’s important you don’t turn what needs to be done into a request. Make  statements instead. If there is any sort of uncertainty in your voice, your child will feel like  they can bargain their way out of doing what you want them to do. So if you don’t use your  ‘don’t mess with me’ voice, your child will continue to try and run rings around you. 

It works best if you:  

• say your child’s name  

• ask them to look at you  

• state what you want them to do  

• get confirmation they have understood 

• smile and walk away.  

Do not hang around for a challenge. 

Playing with words 

Once a young child begins to comprehend what’s being said to them, even at the signal reading stage, it works to speak to their imagination. If you help open up their imagination  and curiosity by asking questions, you’ll find children soon begin to listen, understand and  eventually learn how to think and do things for themselves. Rather than using a monotone or  baby voice, try something different – perhaps the voice of a lazy lion cartoon character or a  cheeky monkey.  

After your child’s first birthday, it’s appropriate to speak to them more or less the same way  you speak to anyone else you love – with kindness and a factual tone. If you keep up the baby  talk, so will your child. Contrary to popular opinion, children won’t get sad or offended if you  speak to them ‘normally’. Your child is now able to read cues from you and is old enough to  realise they are still very special and loved by you, even if you use your normal voice. 

I’ve seen parents, especially mothers, responding to out-of-control 6-year-olds with  endearing words delivered in a way you would normally speak to a newborn. The problem  with this is that it frustrates children and they just get madder and more abusive because their  parent is walking on eggshells around them and too frightened to take charge. This becomes  a vicious cycle where the child has the power. 

The thing to be aware of is that, for the good of the family, you need to be more committed  to getting your power back than the child is to holding on to it. You may have to raise your  voice to be more assertive than they are so your child realises they’re not going to win the  battle. Or you may find a whisper will work better than turning the volume up. What definitely won’t stop an out-of-control child is a tone that sounds like you are scared to step up and  take control. Begin by being playful for a few seconds. If that’s out of the question, don’t be afraid to ramp things up while watching your child stopping in fits and spurts to observe  what’s going on with you – it wouldn’t hurt to let out a laugh at that point. What you are  trying to do is confuse them in that moment so you are able to change the neural pathway  that sends them off to automatically respond in the way they have been. 

If saying weird things to them or laughing doesn’t work, then, if they’re in a safe place, turn  around and walk away. Looking bored and pretending to take interest in something else lets  children know they won’t get the reaction they want. 

Use your imagination – or whatever it takes – to connect  

Childhood can be organised, structured, playful and lots of fun if we decide to make it that  way. Using your imagination and creative thinking will guide you here. Stories are a wonderful  way to connect with children. I often have parents telling me they’re no good at telling stories.  I tell them to just start. Invariably they find they have plenty of stories up their sleeve. The  earlier you start to spark your child’s creativity the better. All children love listening to stories  almost as much as they love making them up. 

You can’t raise kids without (sometimes) raising your voice  

The way many parents ask their kids to do something starts off wrong and ends up even  worse. The descent from wrong to worse looks and feels like being on a slippery slope as you  move through the following five states: 

1. Passive – Billy, can you take the plate to the sink for Mummy, please? 2. Begging – Billy, honey, would you mind taking the plate to the sink? 3. Whiney – Billy, please sweetie, do what Mummy is asking. 

4. Frustrated – Billy, honestly, just take the plate. (louder) 

5. Aggressive – Why do I have to do everything in this house? Is it really that hard to  help? (louder still and Mum takes the plate) 

I see something like the five steps above played out in stressed families all the time. There  are many problems with this, not least of which is that children are being taught to expect  and prime themselves for aggression – both yours and their own. 

Don’t despair if this scenario looks a bit like what’s going on in your house. What you can do  to avoid this is to remember to:  

• make your request a statement rather than a question  

• deliver it in a tone that leaves nothing to the imagination. 

We all have automatic responses to things we hear and see. Most children’s inner dialogue  automatically goes straight to ‘how can I get out of this?’ when they are being asked to do  something. Wouldn’t it be easier on you, and kinder for them, to retrain them to expect they  will be getting interrupted from time to time when you need them to do something? End of  story. Once kids get the message that this is how it’s going to be, whenever you ask them to do  something, their response will soon be a ‘Yes, Mum’ or ‘Okay, Daddy’ rather than whining or  complaining. 

A common variation on the 5-step slippery slope, is where things stop at step 2. In this case  you decide to throw in the towel early and just do whatever you’ve asked them to do yourself.  It’s another pattern I see playing out over and over again. Whether you’re on the slippery  slope to step 5 or step 2, it’s time to get the control back. Following are a couple of  hypothetical examples to get you to start thinking about how you might go about these types  of situations. 

The scenario: it’s time for your Billy to have a bath. Billy is engrossed in watching TV at the  moment. 

Method 1 

You come into the room saying, “Bath time, Billy.” 

Billy ignores you. 

“Come on darling, it’s bath time. Please come now.” 

Billy makes a whiney noise then ignores you again. 

You walk away because you’re used to being ignored, then you come back and say, “Billy, I’m  sick of doing this every single night. Please just get in the bath. You can have a quick one  tonight, okay?” 

Billy ignores this too. 

By now, you’re speaking louder and faster, verging on furious. “I’m not going to ask you again.  Come now.” 

Now Billy is getting mad too. “Okay! I’m coming!” he shouts at you. But he just stands up and  keeps staring at the TV. 

“Billy! Why do we have to do this every night?” you say in an exhausted voice. Then, you start  to get mad and grab him under his armpits. 

Billy struggles while he gets more and more upset. 

You tell him, in a very aggressive voice, how tired you are, how hard your day at work has  been, and that you’re at the end of your tether. You end up dumping Billy in the bath with his  socks still on. You’re both in tears. 

The Result: Nobody is happy. And Billy probably jumped out of the bath, leaving you with yet  another mess to clean up. 

Method 2 

You come into the room, walk over to Billy and wait a few seconds until he acknowledges  your presence by looking at you. You bend down to his level, look into his eyes and in your  no-nonsense voice, you say: Billy, in two minutes I’m coming to get you for your bath. Will I  turn the TV off now or will you do it then? 

Billy doesn’t answer, but he does nod. 

When you come back again in a few minutes, you say: Let’s go to the bath now. Your tone  brooks no interference but isn’t at all angry. Nothing happens, so you turn off the TV, take  Billy’s hand and walk him to the bathroom. While you’re doing this, you’re happily chatting  to him about the day, keeping it light and fun. Your energy shows him you are committed to  doing what you said when you first walked into the room. 

Billy almost reluctantly hops in the bath, but soon starts chatting with you about his day as  he listens to you telling him about what’s happening on the weekend, the yummy dinner  that’s cooking, and how someone at work has a very naughty boy who didn’t get any dinner  or dessert last night. 

The Result: Billy knows what to expect. He knows you are not going to put up with any  complaints and he’s enjoying having you to himself. 

You may get a lot of resistance the first time you try your version of the second method but, before too long, you will see your commitment has made it clear to him that you mean what  you say. How you get Billy in the bath is how you get him to help with anything he needs to  do. Teaching responsibilities for his behaviour and how to listen to you will help him in all  areas of his life. 

How do you sound? 

It’s worth noting that when you have to reprimand the kids, it’s your tone and level of  commitment that will be noticed and responded to more than your words. If your child begins  yelling at you, get close, look into their eyes and in your strongest, most determined and  committed voice, say: Do not speak to me that way. Still in a firm voice, ask them to speak  nicely and say: Then I will listen to you. If they yell again, as long as they are safe, turn and  walk away. Take some deep breaths and calm down. When you’re ready, come back to the  child and ask them to repeat back to you what they need to do if they want something from  you. Keep explaining what they need to do until they can repeat it back. Avoid terms of  endearment and speak in a tone that lets them know you mean what you’re saying. 

Help your child to know the difference between casual chatting and being directed to do  something, like getting in the bath, by the tone of voice you use. This is helping your child to  understand what leadership looks like and will stand them in good stead when it is time for  them to step up and be assertive themselves. Not only are you getting things done without  drama but you are also teaching important life skills to your children. 

The art of communication for you in this space is about perfecting a tone in which your  children know what you are saying is non-negotiable. If you have been in the habit of using a  baby tone, with words like ‘bubby’, ‘sweetie’ or ‘buddy’, to get your children to do things they  don’t want to do, you will find this new way of communicating will make things a whole lot  easier for everyone. 

We all hope our children will grow up able to make logical decisions. We love to encourage  their ability to do this by asking them what, when or how they would like things in their life  to happen. However, you always know best. You can help your children with decision-making  and communication skills at family meetings when you encourage collaborative decision making about how their week will go. We discuss this further in the management chapter. 

As I wind this chapter up, I want to impress upon you the importance of always engaging with  your child by: 

• using eye contact 

• ensuring your words mean something 

• never letting them ignore you or what you say 

• refraining from repeating yourself if you are not getting through 

• saying things in a different way 

• noticing what your tone is saying. 

Don’t worry if it feels like I’m asking you to climb a mountain here. The other chapters in this  book are about helping you to build your confidence in the realm of parenting. As your  confidence builds, so will your communication skills and vice versa.